How crunched we feel when we know there is a deadline. How hard it is to move forward with someone knowing there is an expiration date…

The other night I bought a “limited edition” pop tart and told him as we sat on his couch that I am a sucker for limited edition. He then said “like me”. We laughed light heartedly like we do when in each other’s presence. Later, it sadden me to think that the limited part of that compliment was depressingly short as I thought to myself, “he’s actually a limited time offer”.

6 months ago, I started seeing him and because we clicked on every level, we continued to “see each other”. That first night, after what I proclaim as the perfect first date, he paced his kitchen in order to come out and tell me the warning of the expiration date. He would be moving back to his hometown in another state and climate within the following year. It was August and he had made his mind up that in May he would change his life around again to move back home and settle down. His purpose was fulfilled here and he had nothing left to stay for here in my home town. There I stood, not thinking anything of his disclaimer. How were we to know what the months ahead of us would even bring? How were we to know if love would be in the atmosphere at all? Perhaps, we would remain close friends and his moving wouldn’t be a blow to my ego and a strike to my heart as it is now.

Here is the best way to describe what it feels like to move forward with someone that you will be moving backward with at a very near future time. A rollercoaster of conflict is what you subject yourself to. Your emotions feel like a seashell being bashed around within a current, with waves of thought that either I spend the moments I have on him or rip the band aid off now to preserve heartache later. It feels like you should soak up what time you have. You feel hopeful that something could still change. You feel burnt out on hoping. You feel that you are degrading yourself by spending your most valuable asset, time, on someone who clearly must not care for it. You just FEEL all day every day with no direction. I even made a “You Suck” List of all his flaws so that I can reference it hard core when the heartbreak hits with hope that the list helps me get over him once he has deserted me. I am constantly swaying forward with curiosity of where things can go, but then backwards to fool’s land telling myself that I need to stop spending time with him. When someone is leaving in the near future, your heart sinks every time you say goodbye. Whether we had a terrific time most recently or a not so great time, I told myself that I need to stop moving forward, stop giving, stop hoping, and stop falling.

I look back and analyze if I passed tests or answered questions correctly, thinking back to our third or so “outing” where he asked, “what do say about me moving back?” as if my opinion mattered so early on or as if to show he was already second guessing that decision because he met me. Having not dated pretty much ever in my life, I understand the rules are to be as cool as possible at all times, so I said carelessly, “If you feel you need to do, then go for it.” Now, I taunt myself. Was I supposed to be vulnerable in that moment and any others that he tested my level of care for him? Was I supposed to respond with, “well we are having such a grand time that you are a fool not to be curious about where this can lead us.”

It would continue to come up from him on drunken nights steering away from question format to the definite statement of “I am moving.” It started to sting after I fell for you. For that reason we don’t talk about it anymore. I put on the sleeves of supportive friend and hide myself now, unsure of how to feel towards it all. Unsure of what we are, what we could be (in the still hopeful future tense) or could have been (in the future tense of we both moved on & don’t talk anymore), or if there is an “us” in his head. Am I even playing with the same deck of cards as him? There are so many unresolved conservations in my head with questions I don’t have the courage to ask him like had we met before you made that decision would you still be going? Did you not want to see where this could go? Am I this stupid to reserve time on some one that cannot possibly value me to be asking these questions at all? I guess the uncertainty and doubt is what drives you crazy.

The times I remember feeling like I had his love, or that I at least had his attention are of multitude. There is one memory that stands out which was to my shock that he said yes to a mini road trip out of a town for a petty errand. We talked about relationships again, one of our favorite topics, and I asked him if he is someone that falls in love easily. His reply was yes, and mine was, “me too.” To me that moment confirmed that we were indeed talking about us and that we were accidentally falling in love. Now, here we are and I guess it doesn’t matter. That is what hardens you is that love doesn’t make a difference. You think love moves mountains, but in this case it just meant it was going to the mountains without me. Every time I seemed upset at him or pulled back the reigns it was always in direct correlation with his moving away. I would tell myself to not move another day forward because he cannot promise me anything. That promise goes against my beliefs on love because I always say go for it, risk it, fall, love without expectations, do what makes you happy and he made me happy. I am beginning to think my philosophy on love is skewed and problematic.

I spent my holidays knowing it will be the only ones spent with him, gladly I should note, because I loved every minute with him. I loved being in his presence and the way he held me. I loved that he laughed at my jokes, that we shared the same sense of humor and he laughed at my quirky weird traits. I loved that he was there for me…but only for this limited time. Now, I imagine the future, after he has moved, to be a day without any texts becoming several days of no texts. What can you say if not involved in each other’s lives anymore? When you aren’t sharing experiences anymore conversation dies and there is nothing left to say.

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