Mucho Gusto…otra vez…

How does one re-introduce oneself after several years? To get to present day feelings, I will fill you in with the challenge I accepted 2 years ago. I put the me that is vocalized here on hold, I stopped talking, writing, dreaming, I put myself on hold essentially because I was uncomfortable with the choice I made, then I continued to plunge ahead into more choices that did not reflect me authentically. I attempted “the settle”, the pilgrimage of spirit was over, I was a princess after all living in a castle in the burbs, swimming nude in my private pool, shopping at places called At Home for the perfect artistic decor. I gained weight, got comfortable, became a homebody, failed to reach out to my friendship tribe that I left behind for all this. At first I was rationalizing “the all this” a.k.a material goods, structure, and comfort as a justification to leaving myself behind. In the last several months I have asked myself a long, serious list of questions that in the present moment will not have answers, but something I clung to in particular upon this quizzical time is a brief conversation with my dearest, mate-iest of souls, in which I proclaimed “if this isn’t me than how do I become me without risk?” to which the philosophically friendly reply was, “If that’s not me, then how do I become me, regardless of the risk? is how I would put it.”

Life isn’t Comfortable, it is not about staying in comfort zones, because this will not aid to resilience later on when the shit really hits the fan. Shit has hit the fan. Questions are being tossed at me while I juggle absolutely every angle of my life.

“We can choose courage or choose comfort but we cannot have both not at the same time” -Brene Brown, Rising Strong

In my current transition  I feel scared, vulnerable, excited, validated, doubt, and joy. I look around & know I am leaving so much behind, but the thing is that nothing is permanent. Since everything is temporary, I try to keep shuffling the deck that I was dealt as to avoid comfort in the tangible. It is time to shift the tide again & see if I can balance better this time while surfing the waves of my emotions. I stopped listening to my inner voice somewhere along the way, damaged by fear and loneliness I suppressed my bold impulses. For a short time, I was liberated & people were drawn to that freedom. Now, I find myself in the struggle of the current again. Find myself asking a long list of hard questions and one of which pointing back at me asking “Who are you?” like a dream stated catepillar blowing smoke rings at me.

Today, I remember my horse…  my red roan 17 hands tall solitary horse was afraid of everyone, or rather, since horses mirror that of your present emotions, everyone was afraid of him. That first day of greeting, I walked up to him, looking him directly in the eye with an open channel of communication on understanding. I knew what was inside. I knew his story. My spirit animal was quick on his feet as he was always ready to take flight. He trusted no one and with his expected flighty demeanor, hastily stepped aside from all those wishing to mount him. It was me and him, our story, our ride only. We were the most aware, we together were most scared. I tell this story to reflect that I have always been a cautious scared, ready to run away kind of horse. He was me, I was him. Together we road, but now feeling timid in the world I must rise up all on my own. I cannot move away from what scares me. I need to instead move towards it, join forces with it, and most likely be able to ride out into adventure with it.

 

 

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